dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
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