You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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