My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
high people should be assigned attendants
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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