Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Randomize
