How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Randomize