Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
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