Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize