I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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