the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Randomize
