I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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