i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
