I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Randomize
