Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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