I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Randomize
