Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Randomize
