Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
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