Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
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