My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Randomize
