Where did you get a picture of my penis
So how Liz Lemon is this? I bring a boy home, we get in bed, and I realize there's a lean pocket wrapper in the sheets.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
