i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
