made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Randomize
