someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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