she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize