JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Randomize
