Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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