Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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