Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
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