Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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