Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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