So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
