I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
