You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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