PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
