I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
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