I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize