I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
