If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Randomize
