You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
