how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
