I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
