My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Randomize
