Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
