if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
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