She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
I am mentally ready for anal.
Randomize
