She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
