I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
