I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize