mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
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