yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
