he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Of course I have a pirate flag
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Randomize
