I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Randomize
