Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
