69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Randomize
