remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Randomize
