Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
