Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
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