Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
