I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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