Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
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