Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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