:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
