i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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